KarmaKitty's Litterbox <3

I am back on anti-depressants again.....feelin' da buzz!!!!...but seriously...all I wanna do is sleep.

Apparantly I have borderline personality disorder and depression, and mental health will "be in touch."

I have a boyfriend now, he is nice, and I live in fear that as soon as he gets to know me better, and has had his fill of me I will be left alone. Which would suck, because I am actually kinda crazy about him.

I don't know what I need, I am sick of this fucking empty echoing feeling that never goes away.

Late Entry: I just noticed the "vagina is closed for business" post and yeah....I kinda let one return customer in...a couple times....*cough...cough*

I hear you calling,
My welcome emptiness,
An emptiness that consumes,
I crave you like the earth craves sun,
Every dull ache,
Every dizzy whirl,
Every tear,
Brings me closer to the goal.

I close my eyes to the temptations,
Not realizing I close my eyes to the world,
Upon opening I see a stranger,
So melancholy, so insecure, so twistedly strong,
I hide beneath thick cloaks of fabric,
Keeping my frame hidden beneath,
I close my eyes for a long pause,
Because the confusion is too much,

I wonder, when will my eyes close forever?

D says:

hey sexi

D says:

asl

LiLi says:

who are you?

D says:

jeff, im from some site u

LiLi says:

do you have a pic?

D says:

no sorry

LiLi says:

whi is your nickname "d" if you are jeff? lol

D says:

my last name is damon

LiLi says:

ahhh ok

D says:

your hot

LiLi says:

thx

D says:

u must have a b/f?

LiLi says:

no

D says:

thats a shocker haha

LiLi says:

why?

D says:

dont know, thought you would have a b/f

D says:

there are lots of good looking guys

LiLi says:

are you from pof?

D says:

i have friends on that site but not me, how many ppl have u met on pof?

LiLi says:

i am trying to figure out how you got my email then

D says:

question...... do u only meet guys that r good looking or do you meet any guy to see how they are in person?

LiLi says:

well, i am not super critical when it comes to looks,

LiLi says:

i draw the line at morbid obesity and bad hygeine though lol

D says:

lol

D says:

whos the latest guy that you've been talking to on here from pof?

LiLi says:

why do you want to know?

D says:

im just trying to make a conversation

LiLi says:

i am hoping this isn't "Darren" from the westside.......

D says:

nope

D says:

why is he some weirdo?

LiLi says:

i just need to know how you got my email, sorry but i am just a little security concious

LiLi says:

so please show me your profile, or tell me how you got my email

D says:

i got it from a site from a friend, kyle

LiLi says:

i don't know a kyle

D says:

ummm, he supposely knows you

D says:

how long do you have to know the person before meeting them in person?

LiLi says:

i usually like to chat online a couple times, talk on phone, and then see, why?

D says:

just curious

D says:

so whos the last person you've chatted on here from pof?

LiLi says:

why do you want to know so bad?

D says:

cause im really curious

LiLi says:

why are you really curious?

D says:

just i really find this interesting

LiLi says:

it's funny, because that darren guy also had the same screen name of "D" and he was also f

LiLi says:

fixated on thinking i met a bunch of people off there

D says:

ok so it is darren, im just wondering whos the latest guy you've talked to yesterday

LiLi says:

i am not stupid, and i really don't like these games, why do you want to kno9

LiLi says:

know?

D says:

cause i wanna know if he makes u happy or atleast i mean someone that you may want to meet

LiLi says:

i am not seeing anyone, i havent seen anyone since you, i have been too busy, i have guy friends, but they are just friends,

LiLi says:

i thought you didnt want to talk to me anymore? and why are you still messaging me?

D says:

you should meet him or whoever his name is k, you should

D says:

cause i want you to find a guy

LiLi says:

why?

LiLi says:

tell me why

I try to close my eyes and drift into the depths of sleep, but I can't. There is a stranger in my bed and every time I move his arm flips over and pulls me against him. If I had told him to go home last night I am sure that his heart would of dropped to the floor faster than any articles of clothing did.

Last night it started off the same as it always does. We have dinner and I sit there watching how he twitches under my penetrating gaze, causing him to blurt out tales that would amuse his friends at a local watering hole over pizza. He does not realize that I am putting my mind into a lower mental gear so that I can speak to him of the mundane things such as television, the club scene, and cars. I look over the sushi menu and pick with ease my favourite pieces and I can tell that he is craving nothing more than chicken wings, fries, and all things fried and common. I remind myself why I am doing this, why I am here, and I regain my focus. I am twenty two years old, and for some reason I cannot connect with men, or rather, boys, my age. I try to find attraction in his face, but all I see are his baby like cheeks and uncertain gaze, nothing like the confidence of those older than he.

I recall having sushi with my older lovers. They would pick me up in nice cars and hold open the door for me as I politely tuck myself inside. While we drove there I would smell their cologne and notice their tidy and almost professional way of dressing. We would sit and talk about worldly things such as travel, art, and politics while I playfully flutter my lashes and they gaze as me sensually. Afterwards we would typically go for a walk trying to distract ourselves from the attraction. At a lull in conversation they would brush their heavy hands as gently as possible against my cheek and softly kiss me as their tongue enters my mouth, making me require the support of their arms around me. For a moment the world stops, and I am intoxicated by the experience of them. There was no fumbling and no insecurity, just raw experience.

Now I am sitting here explaining to him the subtleties of Japanese cuisine while he looks at me with childlike expression of learning. I recall how his kisses were. I was watching a movie, and then out of no where his arm lands behind me with a heavy flop. He pulls me towards him and pushes his tongue into my mouth with urgency. It makes me wonder where the film crew is, because I am fairly certain this is the start of a pornographic movie. He paws at me like a clumsy bear and I am trying to figure out why I am allowing this to happen. This is not the dance of seduction, but rather an act of primal urges.

While he pushes himself against me I yearn for the feeling on my experienced hands tracing down my neck, and the feeling of hardened muscles, free of baby fat. Why must I be such an old soul?

Here is a list of things guys do that really piss me off and I am SICK of!!!!

1) They are interested in you, but don't want to call you because of the ego, and get mad when you don't call them.....SORRY I DON'T CHASE!
2) They make plans to meet up with you the next day, and they don't call during the day to confirm, but instead call halfways through the evening and expect you to be waiting by the phone....I HAVE A LIFE, AND I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT AT HOME FOR A FUCKING CALL!
3) They talk about their exes incessantly and constantly talk about how they "have put up walls" etc...etc...wow THANKS for the BAGGAGE.
4) They constantly make comments about how they find a chick hot infront of their friends when you are sitting RIGHT there.

and many....many....other things.....

I need to go out drinking....

Guess what! your gossip and lies have reached me. I left that "group" for a reason, and frankly I thought we ended things with respect, but you didn't keep up your end of the deal. I kept my mouth shut about all the drama and thought you had as well.

For anyone who ends up reading this, he ended things with me out of fear that we may not work out on the long term because of the age difference, and admitted he was embarrassed about how old I am. I was upset, because what he had done was acted like everything was great before he went on a holiday, then came back and told me over the phone hours before a party we were going to attend together. We talked on the phone and agreed to be civil, but not the bullshit comes back to me.

He went and told a couple people the reason why we broke up was because I wanted babies, yes that's right, which made me scream: WHAT THE FUCK. Everyone who knows me knows two three things: I am not ready for that, I am not into babies they freak me out, and I wouldn't do that without a huge rock and a nice home. I would not have babies with him, and never, EVER considered it. If I wanted fat babies with an aging creepy dad who is obsessed with his current child to the point of being disturbing then I wouldn't of been on the depo shot.

I am happy that we broke up, because ever since then I have been having amazing sex with better looking and more successful men, and I have the potential for great relationships when I am ready. It must be sad to be an over weight, divorced, geeky, 40-something who calls himself a dom but is only capable of spanking and a few knots. And side note: please buy new fetish clothes, unless of course you want your so-called "friends" to keep laughing at you for years to come.

So shut your mouth. I have lost all respect for you, and don't EVER say my name to anyone again.

YOU CANNOT CALL YOURSELF A VEGETARIAN IF YOU EAT CHICKEN. CHICKEN IS NOT A VEGETABLE. I AM SICK OF PEOPLE SAYING THEY ARE VEGETARIAN AND EATING CHICKEN!!!!

ACCORDING TO MERRIAM WEBSTER:

So here is my theory, it's kind of like "the Secret," but anyways....this is my version.

So if you really want something, a job, a home, money, success, etc. what you have to do is state that you will have it, verbalize it, write it down, whatever. After doing this you have to conciously tell your self it is going to happen and not cast doubt. It could take a couple days, couple months, or years, but it will happen. During the waiting period, there will be signs provided to you, to tell you if you are on the right path. Example: I had a client mention to me they are in need of paramedics, I was intruiged so I look up the courses, the courses fit perfectly with my schedule,then I proceeded to write down that it is going to happen (the request) I met this guy who recently took the course who is willing to chat with me about it and lend me the books, and this past week I have had paramedics in line behind me at coffee shops and even had an ambulance park beside me yesterday. These are all signs that resulted after my request.

To elaborate on this further, it is essentially the process of like attracting like, and your mind being focused on something, thus the pathways are open for it to happen. In addition, accumulating good karma along the way will help greatly in the process.

Stages in Brief:

1) Write it down,
2) Believe in it.
3) Watch for signs, take any action you can towards the goal, and wait.

I am sick, at work, and tried from being up all night thinking.

I used to always tell myself that it was men who used me for sex, and that they were the ones searching for it. Today I realized, a lot of the problem was me. I loved to be a cock tease because it makes me feel attractive and wanted, but after it is all said and done I still do not get the closeness that I want and that I deserve. I met a guy I like, and I have a feeling it is fucked up now because we did it so...very...soon. So I have decided this, I am now going to not sleep with anyone until they have reached a point of emotional closeness and friendship with me. The truth is, I allow them to use me, and it was something I searched for thinking it is what I wanted, but it's not. A friend on mine described me as a smart, young professional type, and that made me feel really good because it means that I deserve something better, and someone successful. She thinks that the problem is mainly that guys don't meet my expectations.

I am going to try and connect with this guy who took the paramedic course for coffee, and direct my focus onto that, and put my pussy on lock. I think I am seriously a sex addict, and this text of will power will reveal a lot about my self control and impulsive behaviour.


 

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Recent things that have happened:

• I have three guys wanting to go on dates this weekend. I am a very, very, confused girl. I am not serious with any of them, I am actually in the process of narrowing down who I would like to be with. I am a very loyal and loving person, that being said, I want to find someone worth my loyalty and love.
• I may have a date tonight....if he calls back to confirm! I hate wiating by the phone.
• I have a new car! I love my new car! I have named her "Blueberry."
• I am thinking about becoming a paramedic, but I am battling with self-doubt.

Ten Fun Things About Being A Buddhist

- IDEA NIXED....(For fear of idea stealing.....) -

For the longest time I have told myself that a goal in my life is to write a novel, that will get published, before I die. I keep on saying that, but never get the motivation to do it. Since I am always on the go, and thoughts constantly just pop into my head I have decided I am going to post snippets of it on here, and eventually smoothly transition it all into a coherent and edited plotline.

The novel I am wroking on is largely fictional, but there are a few real life experiences and snippets thrown in. I need to feel an emotional connection to the work to make it possible.

So, my blog is now largely a white board for ideas, scenes, and other snippets of a greater work.

Around the outer corners of the soiree,
I walk with smooth confident steps,
My hunger muffled by a seductive purr,
I look for those who have walked away alone,
The ones with their heads down,
And their eyes hungry,
I impress them with my painted face,
And I intoxicate them with my perfume,
When they are high I coax them into my den,
I reveal their bodies to my hungry eyes,
They feed off my body,
As I feed off theirs,

and there we lie. 

Exhausted after the hunt.
(but our bellies are still empty).

Rob,         Aaron,              Cory             , Robert,                Ryan,                 Kori,             Stewart,     Casey      Brian     Justin,              Trent,                      Joel,                     Chris   Kendra,                  Alex                   Cory,                    Ryan,                  Guy with Old Mustang         Darren,                      German Guy,                        Brent,                    Morgan,                     Mike,       Will,                 Brad,              Keegan           RedHead Guy,         Ian                           ,Car Guy,         Newfie, 
Chris,                      Black Guy, 
and probably 15 other names I don't remember.          Bondage         Anal                    Oral       Threesomes         Dominant                          Submissive                   Bi Sexual      Hot Tub       Indoor              Outdoors          In a Car     in a truck        Toys     Masterbation      Porn      Webcam            Older People            Married People

I applied for medical benefits today, because I may be seeing a psychologist soon. There are things happening that I cannot talk about on here. All I can say is, I hope I get approved for the benefits.

I met someone, I really like him. We chatted, had phenomenal sex all night, and cuddled. He jokingly said "I know this is soon but, will you marry me?" it was a joke, but I can kind of see him as someone I could possibly be serious with so far. I just hope he feels the same and I wasn't used.

I went to a house party that evening aswell and connected with some old friends, it was really nice to see them again. Pathological liar was there, but oh well. She avoided me and sat outside in a corner.

I am finally feeling good energy from people and it feels great. A former co-worker of mine came in today, she is a totally sweet character who I loved working with, but got laid off. Anyway...she got a full time job and is loving it, I am so happy for her! she truly deserves it. She says that if anything comes up at Interior Health she will let me know (benefits, better pay, etc.) 

Yesterday I had my evaluation, and my boss told me I am doing really well, and gave me a bonus in a thankyou card then took the whole staff out to lunch, it was really nice of her, I then got to hangout with some friends after the meeting and do a bit of shopping which was fab.  But, one thing that kind of irked me, is the guy who covers for me on Tuesdays, asked my boss if she would give him Thursday as well (this would mean, I would lose my full time). She told him no, because that would mean I would be homeless, and that his hours are set, so deal with it. I am thankful she made such a kind and wise decision. I can't believe he would do that, especially after I have been so friendly to him, that he would go and try to steal my sole source of income. He works as a school teacher most of the year, so he isn't hurting for job opportunities.....what a stunt cock.  

Anyway....I'm not going to let him get to me.

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“Just as a tree, though cut down, can grow again and again if its roots are undamaged and strong, in the same way if the roots of craving are not wholly uprooted sorrows will come again and again.”